The Pornosseuse Report

Charli

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 03:54:01 GMT

The newest report on the film Charli can be found here.

Midget on Milligan's Island

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:57:24 GMT

The newest Report, Midget on Milligan's Island, can be found here.

Panty Raid

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 05:54:47 GMT

Today's Porn Weekend report of Panty Raid can be found here.

Behind the Green Door

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 07:59:20 GMT

The newest report, Behind the Green Door, can be found on The Pornosseuse Community.

Acid Dreams

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 07:44:08 GMT

Today's Pornosseuse Report on Acid Dreams can be found on The Pornosseuse Community.

Also, if you're interested in writing for the Pornosseuse Report, please submit your curriculum vitae on the community (thepornosseuse).

The Pornosseuse Returns

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 02:56:05 GMT

I've finally restarted my subscription to URentDVDs and should be starting up some new reports within the next couple of weeks. Right now, the line up is:

~~Panty Raid~~ Arrived 7 September
~~Acid Dreams~~ Arrived 7 September, reviewed 8 September
~~Behind the Green Door~~ Arrived 7 September, reviewed 25 September
The Devil in Miss Jones 2
Charli
Sirens
The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann
The Devil in Miss Jones 3&4
Midget on Milligan's Island
Prisoner of Paradise
The Devil in Miss Jones 6
Clockwork Orgy
Never So Deep
The Seven Seductions of Madam Lau
Blonde Ambition
Curse of the Cat Worman
Expensive Taste
Greenhorn
Inside Desirée Cousteau
Roommates
Sex World
Star Virgin
Taboo
The Good Girls of Godiva High
The Pink Lagoon
The Untamed
Young and Innocent

For those who would like to join me on making great porn lulz, I've started a community where I'll be posting all of my reports from here on out: thepornosseuse. If you'd like to review porn yourself, join in, introduce yourself, and start reviewing. Posting is only open to those who are okayed by me, so make sure to toss me an eMail.

And... uh... that's it! Look forward to great lulz.

Turning Japanese: The Pornosseuse Report presents Sailormoon and the 7 Ballz

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 05:03:58 GMT

First things first, I have to say that this is honestly the only pornography that I've watched through completely more than once. It his absolutely hilarious and horribly done--really and truly, I'm sure I could animate something better in my fucking basement, and probably without the lights on or whilst dealing with a puking, feverish infant.

One time, I sat down with three of my friends at a restaurant called Sakura and we watched this as we ate teriyaki chicken and zaru-udon. When the waitress asked what we were watching, we closed the laptop and pretended that nothing happened.

A wedding invitation is sent out to all of the anime friends of Sailormoon and some dude called what looks like Prince (プリンス). I have no idea. First off, we get to see the new and improved Sailor Senshi (セーラー戦士):

Other invitees include the guys from Dragonball Z, Ranma 1/2, Evangelion (Shinji sounds like more of a motherfucking pussy than usual), and the whorish teenage version of Cardcaptor Sakura:

And if you can't read it, the subtitles say "What should I wear? None of my clothes fit since my tits grew so big..."

Some chick that I don't recognise hopes that they invited hot chicks, and Cutey Honey makes a mental notes to pack a few vibrators for the trip. There's another girl I don't know, who says that she doesn't know if she's gonna go because she might be embarrassed, and then the next day, we get a view of the finely built Castle of Kamen (仮面の城), where the wedding of the anime world will take place.

That's some fine-ass CG work right there.

Early in the morning, Sailormoon shows up at the Castle of Kamen and rings the doorbell. That Prince guy comes and greets her. She has huge titties and legs that look especially flexible.

Turns out that Sailormoon got a boob job and is worried about what he thinks. More specifically, she's concerned that they're not big enough despite the fact that they're bigger than her head. Prince, apparently, has no complaints.

You like my tits? (私の胸が好きよないね。)

He may like your tits, but you're the ugliest fucking version of Sailormoon that I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of Sailormoon.

Sailormoon is concerned that none of their guests have arrived yet, but Prince isn't. He says it's a good time for them to have some private time. Sailormoon can't believe that they'll be getting married, but worries that Prince isn't enthusiastic enough. He says he's excited and Sailormoon throws herself on him and says that she can't wait for them to have their first night together as long as he promises to be gentle. He appreciates her concern and reminds her that he's always nervous around girls.

She asks him what's in his pocket, and he replies that it's the hard boner he's gonna fuck her with tonight, but when she goes "what," he says it's his mobile phone. Smooth cover-up there. Surprised, she backs up and says that she hopes that he's not just using her for sex.

Tell me, guys, would you really go through all that trouble for pussy? Who would actually marry someone just for sex? I think that's a little too fucking expensive. If a chick won't put out and you really just want her for the poon, then like... don't marry her. If you do that, you get her friends and family involved, and no one wants that.

Well, in the middle of all of this, he "gets a phone call."

Sailormoon's parents really shouldn't have kept her under than rock for the first twenty or so years of her life. And damn, I don't know what that fabric is, but it doesn't tent at all when he's sporting that boner. He gets embarrassed and runs away towards his room, so Sailormoon decides that she should just go take a shower.

Man, what that bitch got all that ass for? Pull over, that bitch has got to get a ticket. Woop, woop! Pull over, that ass is too fat! Woop, woop! Pull over, that ass is too fat!

There's some really classy music box crap playing as she undresses and gets in the shower. Once she's in there, however, her fiancé decides to join her, and she doesn't think this is a good idea, so she hits him over the head with a wrench. This, of course, leads to the important question: does Sailormoon always shower with a wrench?

Apparently she does, but the second time she hits him, it's with her hand.

Sigh, I guess we'll never know if Sailormoon is a natural blonde. Oh wait, that's right, we find out that she is because in the next shot, the pubic hair that wasn't there before mysteriously reappears. IT'S MAGIC.

Despite the fact that he gets kicked out of the bathroom, Prince continues watching her shower escapades on a screen in his room as he rubs one off. Truly, the scene with him masturbating is one of the more questionable scenes in any pornography ever. He's this weird Japanese guy screaming "oh yeah, baby, you make me horny," "you make me randy, haaaa, kimochi~," and "oh, behave" (I have no idea when the hell this came out, but it was obviously right at the same time as Austin Powers) as he squirts these mysteriously disappearing columns of jizz into the air. The last few, however, hit the screen head-on.

His jizz looks like motherfucking caulking.

Back downstairs, Sailormercury shows up at the party and Prince goes down to greet her, having forgotten to store his penis and wash the jizz off of his ear. Mercury takes this all in stride, but once she sees that his penis is out, she screams, but the script soon turns to her boob job. She complains that her nipples are so hard and rub too much against her tiny dress, and Prince of course responds by having a huge hard-on. Wow, this is nothing like our dear Mizuno Ami (水野亜美)! I guess in fandom, you don't have to keep any characteristics of the original characters, which is why she immediately gets down on her knees and sucks him off.

Of course, in typical hentai fashion, she cries as she does it. They're interrupted by Sailorjupiter and Sailormars right before he cums all over her face, the camera, and in her mouth.

Mercury claims that she was just trying to help him zip up his pants, and she laughs at Mars and Jupiter because they're creaming everywhere. Yes, because that was totally hot, coming across that. Well, Mercury and Prince both freak out that they sperm on their faces and run off, and Prince sits down and watches Jupiter and Mars have hot lesbian sex.

Haha, Christ, that's so much better than the henshin (返信) sticks.

Prince jizzes all over the screen again--seriously, where is he getting all of this sperm? He must have like... motherfucking elephantitis. Back to the lesbians, though, Jupiter unzips Mars' corset (who has a zipped corset?) and her breasts go freak-show on us.

Yes, they're so firm that when Jupiter squeezes them, they don't fucking do anything. So yeah, they do the same, looped actions for about five minutes and then finally the Dragonball Z guys show up, and Vegeta is dressed like a Chippendale dancer. As they walk along, they discuss last year's party and Goku remembers some hot sex he had with a bunch of different chicks including Sailorvenus. Well, at least it was hot sex for him. According to the look on her face, it was rape! OH BOY!

The scene goes on for fucking ever with the blowing of wind and the three of them just kinda bouncing up and down like they're actually going somewhere. It's like watching scrambled porn, but worse. Haha, and he cums all over her unconscious body. Oh Japan.

Piccolo and Vegeta disappear as Goku rings the doorbell and grabs at his penis. Sailormoon answers and they think back to some prior hot sex.

There's a fire in his loins and an alien in her breasts as they creep closer to one another before being interrupted by Sailorvenus, who asks what the fuck they were doing. They deny everything, but Sailormoon is creaming all over the place, so she runs away. Venus, apparently hoping for more hot rape, asks to be shown around the castle. Goku leads her to a lift where his penis gets caught in the doors.

Haha.

Venus says that she'll check out if it's hurt, but instead she just goes ahead and takes it into her mouth with a sound like "AHHH GOOO." Of course, Prince is watching this take place on his wall monitor and, of course, he cums all over the wall again before he finally falls asleep from too much jizz. He wakes up, however, when an Evangelion shows up in front of the castle with Ikari Shinji (碇シンジ) on its shoulder. I could completely anime geek here about how there's no way that the Evangelion would be behaving normally without Shinji inside of the dummy plug, and how there's no way that Shinji would be that big compared to the head of the Evangelion, and how Gendou wouldn't let Shinji just take an Evangelion out because it needs to be in LCL fluid when it's not in use anyway... but I'll spare you.

Oh man, and the Evangelion would totally not be the bitch because we all know that Gundams are far less superior than Evangelions, and there's no way that they'd be that close in height, and Evangelions aren't that fucking stocky, and... Christ, I'm never going to get laid.

Prince wakes up and masturbates to the robots. This guy can get off to fucking anything.

Shinji, of course, needs to use the lift to get up to his room, and he comes across Goku giving it to Venus doggy-style. Venus, rather than being embarrassed by this, motions him on over because she has something special for him.

That's like... something a really creepy old crack whore would say to someone. C'mere, boy! HACK, COUGH. I got sumthin' special fer you.

Venus continues to be a huge whore as she gets fucked by some guy whose ball sac looks like a kindergartener's drawing, and then Goku goes into Super Saiyan mode. She holds on to Shinji for dear life as Goku tries to rip her in half.

Shinji, in typical Shinji fashion, cries like a little girl.

Sailormoon falls asleep and when she wakes up, she finds Venus half-conscious on the floor of the lift. As she stands there, a Dragonball bounces up to her, so she figures that Goku must have dropped it. She picks it up and it jumps out of her hand to fly straight between her legs.

Now, I know you're all going "What the fuck are the Japanese doing now?" Well, it's made even more random-ass by a clip with Sailormoon framed in darkness with a clip from the Blair Witch Project played over her. She runs off to the bathroom, and a moment later, Sailorvenus wonders where the hell she got off to. Venus finds her and Moon shows her that she has a penis.

...

Oh, Japan. Why you gotta be hatin' like this.

So Venus sucks off Moon.

It's an awkward experience.

Venus even like... creams from her mouth onto the Dragonball peen. It's the most incredibly random, uninvited thing I've ever witnessed. Ya get a little money shot going, some lesbian action, and comments about the sheer amount of cream, et cetera before Ayanami Rei () shows up, followed soon by a gazillion anime characters. Prince and Sailormoon get up in front of everyone and thank them for coming--Sailormoon's wedding dress is a very tasteful number that is pulled up in the front to her belly-button so all of the guests can see her vagina. They all gather for a video showing, but Prince puts in "Lesbian Love Scene" rather than their engagement tape.

We can only hope that this happens at my wedding.

Jupiter and Mars are totally embarrassed, so to make them feel better or... something, Prince rips off Sailormoon's wedding dress and starts fondling her.

I've totally seen my friend Kantarou make that face before, which makes it even more uncomfortable.

All of the boob play makes Sailormoon hot, but unfortunately, it also makes her hard, so the huge-ass penis shows up.

Prince, for whatever reason, finds this totally hot. Once he screws her, however, the Dragonball pops out of her mouth and bounces around to find another victim. First it goes for Mercury, who refuses it. The next choice is Ayanami Rei and it magically makes it through her plugsuit. A quick-access port for Gendou? She, however, is not up for the challenge either, so it just goes back to Sailormoon so she can suck her own magic dick as Prince fucks her with his cock and the remote.

Oh... Japan. Eat that penis like ramen, Sailormoon.

So as he's fucking her with the remote, different feeds from all around the castle come up. Some of these characters I'm totally guessing because the art is horrible.

1. Belldandy (Aa! Megami-sama) in a threesome with Zechs Merquise (Gundam Wing) and Joe Wheeler (Yu-Gi-Oh?)

2. Cardcaptor Sakura getting screwed by... some guy's mechanical hand

3. Hoshino Ruri (星野ルリ - Martian Successor Nadesico) and Vash the Stampede (TRIGUN)

4. Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop) and one of the twins on Yui's side from Fushigi Yuugi

5. Vash and that guy fucking Faye and Ruri as they both suck off the Yu-Gi-Oh guy

6. Souryuu Asuka Langley (惣流・アスカ・ラングレー - Evangelion) and some huge guy I've never seen before

7. A girl from Galaxy Angel and Cammy (Street Fighter), who mysteriously has a penis

8. Gang bang with a bunch of people, but I have no idea who any of them are--they have great 80s hair though. Original Gundam?

9. Shampoo and Ranma (Ranma 1/2)

10. Ayanami Rei with Piccolo, Goku and that old guy from Dragonball Z

And then, of course:

THE SHORT AND THICK:
All of the really popular anime characters from the 90s greats get together for the wedding of Sailormoon and some guy named Prince. There is no purple rain, there is no plot, there is lots of jizz, and there is nostalgia.

THE GOOD : The art is so shitty it comes all the way back around to the awesome end of the spectrum. If the art were good, this hentai would definitely not be worth watching.
THE BAD : Well, everything, but the same rule used above applies to the entire thing.
THE UGLY : Atrocious anatomy makes for ugliness but also comedy.

CONTAINS : It's a hentai. It contains everything you could imagine and probably some things you've never thought of before.

GREAT FOR... : Everyone, in groups and public places. Anime geeks, just because.

Space Nuts

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 08:00:24 GMT

To start things off, I must note that this was the porn featured in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

I agree, Steve Carell. I agree.

EPISODE 69
"UNHOLY UNION"

Led by the Evil Overlord and the Dark Witch, an ominous shadow has swept across the universe destroying countless planets in its wake.

The Clitoran System, one of the last remaining independent realms, may yet fall, for the Evil Overlord's shyster minions have discovered a legal loophole: whomever the Princess Hubba Hubba weds will become the de facto heir to the Clitoran System. With this information brought to light, the Princess has fled the star system, joining a ragtag underground of interplanetary Eco-Warriors who attempt to align the Planets.

In the struggle between good and evil, the hopes of billions rest on the shoulders of a few.

In the depths of space, Princess Hubba Hubba's ship, the SS Royal Brat, flies aimlessly. She invites a young sailor into her room, Ensign Benson, and announces that she'd like to give him a gift for being so awesome and doing whatever the hell it is that sailors do. After getting her cyborg Jeeves to fetch them drinks, she starts givin' him a massage.

The butler, by the way, is fucking terrifying.

After an atrociously trite line about men in and out of uniform, Hubba Hubba goes in for the kill. Meanwhile, Jeeves is in the kitchen complaining about how he always has to take commands from the princess and wonders when it will be his turn to let his guard down. Well, excitingly, there's a new kitchen appliance and he wants to tap that ass, so he takes it back to his recharging closet. Egads.

Back in the princess' bedroom, the ensign is sucking on the princess' doomboobs and having a grand old time.

And then he eats her out.

She makes very unconvincing noises before they go for some awkward edge-of-the-bed sex. And the guy has like... magical dancing testicles! Allow me to expound on this topic visually:

Up...

Down.

DANCE, TESTICLES! DANCE! ... I do not approve of your dance. Oh, and when they bang, she has to hold her breasts because they jiggle too much. Any woman with slightly above average tit size can tell you that bouncing jugs hurt like fuck. Anyway, blow job.

She actually honest-to-God deep throats it too. And this guy... his ball sac is pristine. Not a damn hair on it. They finish up and he wants to cuddle, but she tells him to gtfo just as the ship gets hit. Cut to Jeeves in the kitchen with the appliance.

Haha, that's just wrong.

Well, the LCD next to the princess' bed lights up and it's Evil Overlord giving her a ring. He says that he wants to marry her, but she replies that she'd rather die first. Evil Overlord, by the way, has a Peter Griffin-like chin, which of course means that his chin looks like a ball sac.

Back on Evil Overlord's ship, Dark Witch tells him that he sucks as like... Heinrich Himmler drives the ship.

Upset with the rejection, Evil Overlord demands that they disable the shields of the princess' ship. They manage to disable it, but when Himmler is told to glance a warning shot across the bow, he instead blows it up. A single escape pod drifts off with the debris, but he doesn't seem to notice, instead choking him as he tells him to scan the debris for any life. At the end of the search, they find the pod and pull it into their ship, hoping that it's the princess who is the sole survivor of the explosion.

Down in the holding bay, HAL (I assume, because he calls Evil Overlord 'Dave') refuses to open the doors of the pod. He gets upset as HAL refuses over and over, but Dark Witch just files at her nails. Eventually, Evil Overlord tries his hand at opening the door. Finally, he just shoots HAL and the door opens, but out steps a young man. The Dark Witch says that she can get the info about the princess out of him in her chambers. BRANG ON THE S&M!

She smacks him up with a cat o' nine tails, but all he knows is that the princess escaped on one of the life pods. This is enough for her, so she tells a hologram to service him for the information. Woo! A servicing hologram who happens to be married, haha, wtf.

... it's kinda like... sneaking into Hot Topic after hours and having dirty goth sex. In other words, some sort of nightmare.

The hologram is very flexible, but moderately mannish.

I mean, wtf, where's her ass? And her arms are so oddly built >O! And her boob job is absolutely atrocious. She should have kept her damn top on.

After he's serviced, Dark Witch tells the guards to go ahead and put him in a torpedo chute and jettison him into space. Ah well, at least he died happy.

In some unknown place in the galaxy at a bar called The Floating Balls, a guy who looks like the fucking Highlander is playing poker with some aliens. A guy accuses him of cheating and they have a lame-ass duel which ends in the other guy being vaporised. A blue-haired Mystique comes up and says in her Paris Hilton voice that she loves it when one dude vaporised another dude.

Turns out his name is Buzz Starfocker. The escape pod has been found floating through rubble and he thinks that it can fetch a good price on the black market, so he tells them to haul it in to the bar. Surprise, surprise, it's Princess Hubba Hubba and Jeeves. Starfocker and the princess have a fight that seems a bunch like the one in Spaceballs. In the end, they decide that until they get to the Cliteron system, the princess can work as a hostess/dancer and Jeeves can work as a pleasure droid.

Back to the villains, they're in Dark Witch's room, Dark Overlord receiving a good cat o' nine tails from the witch. Yes, it is weird, especially when Dark Overlord starts screaming that he's a "BAD LITTLE GIRL." Himmler comes over the horn and tells them that they've found all of the pods except for one, but there was a floating casino that came by a while before, so they decide to go after it.

On the SS Floating Balls, Miss Kitty is talking to a pimped-up Jeeves and a princess who now looks frighteningly like my younger sister.

Jeeves has sex with some floozy and it looks like she's banging a Ken doll.

He spouts off random-ass French throughout the entire foreplay session and blow job. Now, I've taken French for almost five years and am working towards a minor, and I have no fucking clue what he's saying most of the time. Whatever. Most people are here for this:

Things I learned about cyborgs today:

1. They sweat during sex. But only around the neck.
2. They have moderately large penises.
3. They have no ball sac hair.
4. They can really bang a chick, but make no noise.

The floozy leaves and his next customer is a large bald man who looks like a plumber with a magenta boa around his neck. Ha. There's even ominous music!

The princess complains about her job because guys keep trying to get her to give 'em hand jobs. He says that they can always work out something for the princess to do "below deck," but she refuses. The Mystique chick comes back and wants to bone Starfocker, and to get away from the princess, he agrees and they go back to her blue abode.

And his penis? TOTALLY dances, just like that first guy's testicles. It's a grand ol' dancin' genitalia movie!

It's like that album "Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Oddly Sexy," but it's a blue woman and there's nothing sexy about it. She makes noises like a puppy :/.

Heh, we're all different colours on the outside, but the inside is always pink, even if you're blue. Nice.

After the encounter, he says "ohhhh, Princess..." and the blue chick gets pissed, pushing Starfocker down right as the casino gets hit by the tractor beam from Evil Overlord's ship. Evil Overlord tells Starfocker that they'll be taking the pod from them, and when Starfocker tells them that nothing was on it, he tells him that they'll be boarding the ship.

On board, Evil Overlord, Dark Witch and Starfocker have a drink and Evil Overlord threatens him. Dark Witch says that she can convince him to give up the princess' location.

Turns out that their glorious plan to keep her undercover is to put her out on stage as a dancer in a Jeannie costume, which Evil Overlord finds hot. Meanwhile, in the hologram room, Dark Witch tells Starfocker to "take [her] like a little boy raised by apes," whatever the hell that means. She wants to get down and dirty, but he says that he'll need liquor to fuck her. I'd need copious amounts of liquor to fuck a goth too. I know where he's coming from here.

There's some anonymous hot and heavy sex between two random workers that makes absolutely no sense, but this is porno. I don't think it's supposed to make sense. The chick looks like the hologram from earlier though. There's a lot of velcro ripping noise. IT RUINS THE MOOD.

Holy crap! It's Simon from American Idol! I guess we all know how to win now D:.

Back in the bar, Evil Overlord talks to the princess about her dance and ends up taking off her veil, revealing the princess' face. Starfocker gets into deep shit and like, the Overlord tells his guards to kill everyone and blow up the ship. He takes the princess back to his ship and blows up the Floating Balls. Oh noes!

So the Evil Overlord and Princess Hubba Hubba have a wedding ceremony on the coast of California because she'd rather be the queen of the universe than the princess of a planet. Turns out they're actually in a holoroom that's equipped with a shape shifter, so when the princess wants him to take a different form...

Ron motherfucking Jeremy, y'all!

Sex with the shape-shifting Evil Overlord and the princess. It is at this point that I wonder how much longer this thing can go on. My neck hurts. I get up and make tamales rather than watching another blowjob.

They're those jar tamales, you know? They come in a glass jar filled with tamale sauce and, you know, tamales. Despite looking questionable and being wrapped in wax paper, they actually taste moderately good. I mean, yeah, they're not as tasty as something you could get at a Mexican restaurant down south, but up here in Ohio, the Mexican food totally sucks, so this is the best I can get, especially at two in the morning. Kroger is always open, yo.

God this chick sucks at making believable noises.

The Kroger up here doesn't have as much of a selection as my home Kroger though, which is odd, considering their corporate headquarters is in Cincinnati, which is only about forty-five minutes from here. At home, they have like... chicken tamales. But they only have beef tamales here. Lame. Not so much of a fan of beef, but for tamales, I have to make due. Eh, I'll be going home for Easter later this week and I'll get me some real Mexican. Mad props to Pueblo Real.

... this is still going on.

I wonder what happened to Jeeves. Maybe he got explodeded.

JESUS CHRIST this guy gives an impressive money shot.

Turns out it was a dream. Like Dallas, but not as long. She wakes up and realises she's in bed with Ron Jeremy, but that too is a dream. Conversation between Evil Overlord and Himmler, Himmler decides to have some fun, creates some Instadate girls who suck him off.

Goebbels totally could have used this in some Nazi propaganda. Become a Nazi and colourful girls will suck you off! And then you can bang one as she eats out the other one! So good is the Aryan Nation!

Down in the cell block, the guards come to get the princess, but omfg, they end up being Jeeves and Starfocker! Magics! They apparently teleported onto the battle cruiser before the casino blew up. They stole guard uniforms from obviously deaf guards before Jeeves penised the computer to get the information about where the princess was being held. They try some special way to get out, fuck it up, the Dark Witch comes (wtf, is she a lesbian or something? Bisexual? Just goth?), blah blah blah... anyway, dude decides to move up the wedding.

Well, Starfocker and Jeeves are to be killed in a holographic pit of despair. Given the choice to die or get it on with Dark Witch, he decides to get it on with the Dark Witch who, gasp, as natural titties!

Brave man. I wouldn't be able to fuck a goth. Maaaan, she has a labia ring. That's pretty fucking intense. I cried when I got my ears pierced... what would my cunt think of me D:!?

Honestly though, I feel as though Hot Topic splattered all over this movie. And I feel sorry for the Dark Witch chick because Starfocker is too big for her, so she sounds like she's in pain most of the time :/. Obviously she is also sore about this (haha, pun), because she sends him to the pit of death, heh.

Long-ass fight that's like... supposed to be like the awesome thing with Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Jabba's entourage in Return of the Jedi, but it's not nearly as cool at all. Jeeves romances the computer to open the door and they escape to save the princess, but like... Evil Overlord stops them. But the thing that was attacking them in the pit escaped too and comes after them. They find a computer, Jeeves jacks in, and they activate the self-destruct. After a little tizzy, they escape in a shiny ship, oooh.

Oh yeah, and Dark Witch and Evil Overlord escape in an escape pod.

On Clitoria or whatever they call it, Jeeves and Starfocker get medals, Starfocker gets a new casino, and Jeeves gets a whore.

She looks kinda like Princess Gwenevere from Princess Gwenevere and the Jewel Riders. Jeeves tells her to "do it like a koi fish" on his penis. So classy. And some cyborg sex.

And then Starfocker and the Princess get it on, as if you didn't expect that.

And he kept spitting on her cunt, the end.

THE SHORT AND THICK:
Basically, take every single Star Wars (four through six, that is), mash it together, meld a couple of characters into one character, and throw in some fake boobs and lots of sex, and you get this.

THE GOOD : Uhn... uhhhhhh... the production values? The thing has Dolby Digital sound and is in widescreen.
THE BAD : IT WAS FUCKING TWO HOURS AND THIRTY MINUTES LONG.
THE UGLY : Ball chin, goth girl, fake boobs...

CONTAINS : Christ, I don't know. I started wandering at about an hour and thirty minutes in. Hetero, cyborgs, ménage-à-trois... pierced labia...

GREAT FOR... : People who I probably don't want to smell; people who can sit still for almost three hours, gah.

The Devil In Miss Jones

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 02:57:22 GMT

Oh shit! Porn with a slightly twisted moral!

New York, New York. Justine Jones, a creepy-looking chick with a really ugly neck, looks out upon the busy streets before closing the blinds and feeling herself up in the mirror. Having said her prayers naked, she goes to the bathroom and pulls the cork out of a jar of mysterious liquid as her tub fills. She grabs her razor and gets in, and I guess it's supposed to be all sad and poignant, but I can't get over the fact that her body looks like a damn man's body.

Where are her hips? Where are the curves? Christ, woman, if I had manbody, I'd be sad too. She lays down and shows off her terrifying pit naturale before looking at the razor, boo hoo. I think we all know where this is going (and she does it wrong). So there's a nice view of blood filling the bathtub as Miss Jones exsanguinates herself.

It's like that movie about my old college, The Rules of Attraction, except there's no Harry Nilsson playing. Well, and like... the acting's worse in here.

So she passes out, and the next thing we see is her in a room with huge windows. She thinks that she's there for a job interview, so the guy she's talking to just goes along with it, telling her that there are two positions open, but because of her special case, there's only one where she'd actually work. They share a cigarette, but as the guy continues going on, Miss Jones gets more and more nervous. The man explains that she was supposed to go to the 'higher office,' but because of her 'accident,' it's impossible. He reveals that she took her own life and because of that, she has to go to Hell.

Well, dude is an adjustment counsellor, and Miss Jones decides that she wants to be let back into the living realm so that she can actually do something worth going to hell for. He thinks that she means to go back and rob or murder people, but she explains that she wants to go back and get her lust on because she's still a virgin. The man realises that Hell isn't expecting her for awhile, so he agrees to send her back for a little while to be a dirty, filthy whore. Miss Jones is very thankful.

So she walks through a huge door and, thank Jesus, our main man, Harry Reams, is there waiting for her in a golden robe. Bitch, I would ride that moustache any day. But anyway, he cures her of her inhibitions with his magic hand.

The last time I saw a hand over someone's face like that, I was telling the person that if her hand was bigger than her face, she would get cancer. And then I pushed the hand in her face and made her cry.

Harry Reams agrees with me that her body is creepy, which makes it true: 'most men prefer roundness and firmness in a woman--it's pleasing to the eye.' Her body, apparently, is much more supple and there's 'deeper penetration in both openings.' He tells her to bend over and spread her buttcheeks, and she does it. I guess that hand trick worked.

So he immediately crams some finger attachment butt plug up her ass.

She understandably freaks out, but he tells her that if it falls out of her ass, she'll be punished. All right. She wants to stand up, but he says that she can't until he says so. Okay. He goes and lays down on a 70s-tastic bed and tells her she can stand, but she has to come over to him. She walks over with her hand over her ass as he stretches out in all of his hairy Harry glory.

Then, he asks her what exactly she calls his junk. She says, you know, penis, prick, cock... big, beautiful cock...

The penis, she claims, makes her feel all tingly all over, and she wants to touch it and kiss it. He gives her permission and she rubs her face all over it, talking about how smooth it is, and then he tells her to put it in her mouth. And hey, she loves the taste of it.

He wants her to take it into her mouth, but she's all 'it's getting so big! So hard!' She licks and strokes and makes a bad attempt to deep throat before professing her love for penis and telling it how long she's waited for it. Harry tells her to stay still as he thrusts into her mouth and she does the most important thing by not forgetting about the balls. But yeah, she tells Mr Penis that she wants more of a taste of him, wants more of him in her mouth, blah blah blah--it's kinda like that Dane Cook act where he tells the chick that his dick feels like corn, and she goes 'gimme the butter baby, gimme the butter... pop in that pussy, Orville Redenbacker!'

Well, she's had fun with the penis in her mouth, but now she wants to know what it's like in her vag. She asks if it'll hurt and Harry, like a douchebag, tells her that, yeah, it will. She wants him to be gentle and he makes the point of not having her ugly face look at him during intercourse. I'd rather look at her ass than her manface too. She's afraid that he'll rip her apart, but he tells her to concentrate not on the pain, but rather the pleasure. Bow chica bow-bow. She does the dirty sex talk associated with newbs and tells him that she wants the buttplug out, but she wants his finger to take its place. Okay, cool, decides Harry Reams.

Check out dem hairy fingers. But yes, in the most terrifying move since Debbie Does Dallas' immediate cock from bung to vag, we get Justine Jones putting the buttplug that was just in her own ass into her mouth. Absolute horror.

There's another moment of questionable transfer, but it's vag to bung, so I can deal. She screams out for his cock and so on, wanting for him to hurt her as she screams and smashes her face into the bedspread. Good times.

Well, the whole thing passes and the next day or whatever, some girl comes and rubs silver lotion on Justine as she gives us a nice view of her untamed pits.

I guess the scene would be moderately sexy except for the fact that, you know, Justine looks like a damn man. Oh, and the fact that they're on a plastic-covered bed.

There's a little bit of weird lesbian sex on the creepy plastic bed, and Justine has man hands, and the other chick has more pubic hair than any other thing in captivity, and it's all kinda nasty and not hot sex. The other girl ends up really getting into eating out Justine and there are odd close-ups of her 'o' face. It all ends awkwardly and soon, Justine is washing off the copious amounts of lotiony oily whatever from her body and sticks the hose up her vagina. Uh-huh. And then sticks it in her mouth. And her ass.

By this point, I think she's coming to realise that if she'd just done some of these things in life, she wouldn't have felt the need to exsanguinate herself in the bathtub. If she'd just invested in a handheld shower head, she could have pleasured herself all the time and released some of that tension, you know? Stupid bitch.

So after the fun hose play, we're back to the great Harry Reams, who is now teaching Miss Jones the Art of Head.

Patience, young Padawan, you must not go so quickly and unprofessionally with the penis. You pull it with your teeth, my girl. The penis does not get along with the teeth. In fact, the teeth are the enemy of the penis. Yanking at the penis awkwardly with your teeth will not please the penis. Well, whatever, she wants his hot cum spurting in her mouth, and Harry is more than happy to oblige.

After it, she makes odd guttural noises that disturb me as much as her damn armpit hair. But she's pleased that she has cum all over her face, in her stomach, on her throat, in her eyes, et cetera. Damn, why not just take a piss on her? She obviously enjoys fluids. I mean, in the next scene, she rolls a damn apple in her crotch and then licks her own juices off of it. This chick is fucked in the brain. See, this is what happens when people are sexually repressed. They kill themselves and then go to purgatory where they eat grapes from their twats.

In a moment of triteness, she puts a banana in the v-hole, but she puts it in stem first. What the hell? Is she trying to rip up her insides? Well, I mean, I guess she's dead already, so she can't die again from internal bleeding or... whatever. But stem first? The woman is crazy. She also eats the banana.

Of course, she occasionally goes back for a little dip in the vag. Gotta keep the flavour, you know?

Well, our increasingly harlot-like little friend has some fun with a snake, trying to out tongue-flick it as it slithers all over her crotch and mannish abs.

The snake has a decidedly wtf look on his face as she begins to stick him in her mouth. Somehow I think that if this movie were made today, PETA would be all up in the face of the adult movie industry.

There's a short interlude where Justine is talking to the guy from the window room, begging him to let her live out the time that she was supposed to have on earth, but in Purgatory. He says that it is impossible because he doesn't really have any say. Ah well.

Miss Jones and another chick double-team some guy's penis later that day, both fighting for dominance as they make odd squicky noises. There are awkward conversations involving moderately scientific words like 'sperm' and 'expansion,' but because the scene isn't hot anyway, I'm not worried by this. In fact, it adds to the amusement of the entire thing. The chick puts the guy's dick into Junstine and licks at her clit as Justine screams that she's gonna come really soon and that she wants the penis IN her when it happens. Well, she comes, and then the guy comes in the other chick's mouth, and they decide to share the bounty.

And damn, she's wearing a lot of eye makeup these days. But she is a whore, and we all know from stereotypes that whores wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. Well, that and they go for double penetration with two guys:

She asks the guys if they can feel each other's cocks and the men, in typical male fashion, ignore this question. I mean, come on, they're not gay! They're fucking a chick! There's a chick between them! But that chick looks like a man and makes faces like Chloe from 24, who should have died instead of Edgar a few episodes ago. Edgar was totally cooler than Chloe, and he doesn't make that damn face that she always makes.

Now, whenever I see Chloe, I'm gonna imagine her going 'yes, put your prick farther up my ass, harder in my cunt!' It'll add some dimension to her character. 'Don't come inside of me! I want to feel your cum run down my leg!' It'll be really good next time there's a Syntox nerve gas attack or Jack Bauer makes something explode. It'll break the tension.

She gets her last fun and is sent back to the counsellor, who tells her that it's time.

She fights it, but he signs the paper. She, however, is suddenly worried, but he tells her that the whole 'fire in a furnace' thing is false. He tells her to touch his hand and she's sent to Hell. Hell is apparently sepia toned and looks vaguely like the holding in a prison. There's a guy there who looks like the Devil from The Devil In Miss Jones some number (the one with Ron Jeremy), so... maybe he's the Devil. I dunno. He tells her about what he thought Hell was gonna be like and she just listens.

He was in the beginning of the movie, by the way. There was a thing where she was begging some guy to put his cock in her, blah blah, but instead of putting it in her, he keeps rambling on about some fly that he thinks he hears.

As she attempts to pleasure herself on the trunk, he keeps rambling on about the fly, telling her to close her eyes and listen for the fly. So apparently Hell is being stuck with some mental guy and not being able to fly solo. She sobs, the end.

THE SHORT AND THICK:

An ugly chick kills herself because she never gets off and ends up going to Hell despite the fact that she's been all spinster and shit for her entire life. The moral? For the love of God, get off every now and then. It'll make it so you don't kill yourself and end up going to Hell where you can't achieve orgasm. I think this is obvious.

THE GOOD : Oh man, I love Harry Reams. I mean, he's the awesomest.
THE BAD : Despite being made by the same director, it's not nearly as good as Deep Throat. The story's there, but it just doesn't have as deep of a plot or something.
THE UGLY : Miss Jones. Jesus Christ, woman, if you can keep your pubes in good repair, why not just go ahead and go the extra mile and shave your armpits?

CONTAINS : Ass play, blow jobs, anal sex, hetero sex, lesbian sex, hose play, double penetration, ménage-à-trois, female masturbation.

GREAT FOR... : ~~Churches that say that people shouldn't get off because it's immoral~~ People who like Harry Reams, classic porno viewers.

The Opening of Misty Beethoven

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:52:09 GMT

After a far too long break, the Pornosseuse is back! Today we have another classic, and the next two will also be classic pornographies before our first Turning Japanese segment, which spotlights one of the better known bad hentai. But now...

The Opening of Misty Beethoven, guys, and it's even a collector's edition! Come to me, porn version of My Fair Lady!

Welcome to France, the home of the Marquis de Sade and the Moulin Rouge, and the perhaps less famous play Shopping and Fucking, from which I stole an advertisement when I visited Paris years ago. The movie opens with a guy checking out the different sex shops and booty clubs in the area along with a video of a guy with a massive afro-like thing on his head eating out a girl who has pubes that rival his hair. Well, it turns out that the sex scenes are part of a movie, and the guy who was walking around looking at the different sex shops walks in to sit in the porno theatre, taking the place of a man with a huge baguette. And no, that's not a metaphor.

So, he starts taking notes on the movie as a woman beside him comments loudly about the pornography, much like it would be if I were watching a porno in a theatre. I guess that's why women aren't allowed in the peep show nickelodeon thing at that porno store off of 65 in Kentucky. So anyway, she walks over to him and engages him in conversation, saying that she'll give him a hand job for $5 or spend the night for $50. As they discuss the terms of this barter, a man walks in and dresses like Napoléon.

She promises to meet him outside in ten minutes after she gives Napoléon a hand job. Classy. The woman on-screen salutes and Napoléon salutes back, and they quickly fall into time with the actors on the screen. Once his bone departs (ha, a pun), the man and woman go to a brothel, where he says that he doesn't want her to do anything but answer some questions for him. Before he can get much into his questioning, however, he hears familiar moaning and goes out to find his friend Geraldine Rich, and we also find that his name is Dr Seymour Love. They have a nice little conversation as she fucks some guy. It was short and intense, although most of the goings-on were covered in masses of pubic hair.

Seymour had been watching with scientific coldness, and once she finishes, he claps and congratulates her on a job well done before taking her back to meet the other woman. As Geraldine watches and laughs, Seymour explains that Geraldine is the best and that the girl is the most unexciting thing he's ever come across. It turns out that Seymour is a writer of erotic literature and that he believes that he can make the girl the best sex worker in the history of man. Geraldine is most obviously amused by the audacity of his idea, saying that there's no way that he could ever make her into a woman who is good enough to be the mistress of Lawrence Lehmann, who is apparently a big guy in the industry. She, however, is up to challenge and tells Seymour that she'll take on a bet with him because she wishes to publish the results of his experiment. The girl doesn't want to be part of the experiment, so Geraldine and Seymour leave her to her musings, which involve a blow job and a sad pipa tune.

After considering it for a short time (a VERY short time), she runs after Seymour and tells him that she wants to go with him. He agrees and she tells him that she is Misty Beethoven, a name which she took to sound more important. Her birth name is Dolores Beethoven. They fly to America on an airline on which the flight attendants give head to the passengers. Woo!

In New York City, Seymour explains the idea of the Goldenrod Girls, who are well-known women who are the most beautiful and sexual women chosen by Lawrence Lehmann. He says that he intends to make Misty one of these women, and they immediately begin lessons.

The lessons include taking it in the ass, giving head, receiving facials, and undressing sexily. She exclaims that men stink, and he replies that they think the same of her--"in fact, it's one of the most perfectly balanced equations in nature." The next big milestone is to make three men come at once, so she practices on all sorts of fake penises and watches video on how to do simultaneous jacking. She begins to make progress as Seymour offers such wisdom as "most women stop sucking at the moment of orgasm. That is the point, however, that real women only begin to suck."

Well, they all decide to run off to Rome on the same airline as before, and when confirming their reservations, he has to make a lot of important decisions. He decides that on the way back, he wants to be in the first class, sex, non-smoking, adult film, regular meal section, and assures the flight attendant that he is the type that just wants a little head, not a full-out fuck. Meanwhile, Misty is sitting in her seat and a random woman comes up and wants to have some fun lesbian action!

Misty enjoys this and was obviously prepared for such a situation, as she was wearing no underwear.

The woman has the most incredible tongue I've ever seen. I tried to mimic the speed at which she was pleasuring Misty, but to no ado. Truly the woman is a goddess in the world of tongueflickery. Unfortunately, she's not a holder of a first class ticket, so the stewardess says that she'll have to return to coach. The woman begs her to wait just a minute, but the stewardess says that rules are rules, even if the woman is the pilot's wife.

They arrive at Geraldine's Roman estate where all of the butlers are getting blow jobs from the maids.

The next day, Misty goes to the ballet with some "delightful people" with the instructions from Seymour that she is not to say a word the entire night. She is, however, allowed to open her mouth.

There's a little aside with a guy named Alfredo Spontini who can't keep an erection for long, but during the ballet is able to keep it up long enough to fuck Misty in a bathroom stall. It's apparently all the rage in the gossip sector of Paris, where high-class people discuss it all the way from la Tour Eiffel to l'Arc de Triomphe. The word gets around and soon people are discussing her all around the world. Word gets back to Lawrence Lehmann, but like any game of telephone, the story ends up being skewed. By the time it gets to him, she apparently sucked off every man at the ballet, both the matinee and evening performances.

Soon, Misty is the rage and is in all the newspapers. People discuss her on the streets of Rome, during tea in London, whilst reading the paper in Paris. Everyone thinks she's a different zodiac, claim that only three astrologers in the world can do her chart, and Lehmann's assistant thinks that she must be from Belgium. Back in Rome, however, Misty doesn't seem to think much of her fame and is still concerned with getting three guys off at the same time.

In Turkey, they think that her mother is Hungarian, and for some reason, Seymour takes this as a sign that she's almost ready for her big coming-out. Seymour discusses this with Geraldine and his woman on the inside, Sonja, who photographs the entire house in Geneva where Misty will be balling the prospective (which sounds like something a Resident Assistant would do) so that she'll feel comfortable when she gets there. Sonja, upon her return, coaches Misty in how to access a difficult man by showing her on Geraldine.

Seymour and Misty both watch as the two women have more exciting lesbian action and a maid tapes the entire thing.

Oh, and another great quote: "I'm gonna suck your cock like the insides of a ripe mango." They obviously assume that the vagina is anatomically similar to the penis. Once Geraldine is finished, however, Sonja decides to do the sequel to the lesbianism by repeating the sequence on Seymour, except now they're both naked.

It's kinda like a surgery viewing except with more nudity. Maybe a surgery during which all of the doctors and nurses are naked. Misty watches with scientific detachment, much like how I view pornography. Perhaps Misty was at some point a pornosseuse. But yes, Misty and Geraldine both seem incredibly bored. Sonja has nice breasts.

Seymour and Sonja practise some contortion before he splooges on her and then they lay in each others' arms kissing lovingly.

The next morning, five hours before she's to leave for Geneva, Misty comes to Seymour and Geraldine and says that she doesn't think she can do it because she's nothing but a streetwalker, and that they should stop trying to sell phoney merchandise. Seymour encourages her, and we get the inklings of a little Misty-Seymour romance.

In Geneva, Misty goes into an art gallery where a man wearing heavy eye makeup and lipstick is working. Geraldine turns off the power to the gallery and then Misty starts her thang, constantly being coached by an earbud in her right ear.

Again with the mango. I obviously need to buy a mango.

The music's starting to get to me because I know I've heard it somewhere, like on some other movie or television show. It's chimes and has kind of a mysterious sound to it. Damn music, curse you. But anyway, it fades to hot drums and a synthesiser, and Misty and makeup dude get it on, even though the dude looks like my cousin including the huge amount of gay my cousin possesses. Misty also wears her shirt the entire time, which is perhaps even odder than someone who wears his socks the entire time.

Misty makes it back to Rome where all of the maids have changed into nurses' outfits for a big party to celebrate her achievement, but Misty isn't invited. Meanwhile, all about Europe from Amsterdam to Paris and beyond, people are talking about Misty making the gallery guy go straight. In Rome, Misty is complaining to Geraldine about how badly Seymour treats her and claims that once he told her that if you look into a woman's left eye, you can see directly to her cunt.

More trio masturbation montage, and amazingly, she gets it, wooo! Mexi-mullet, French-moustache and Afro-boy are all satisfied customers.

Misty, however, doesn't seem too pleased at her accomplishment, and goes to the corner to cry. By the next day, however, she's stoic when they go to Lehmann's end of shooting party. Seymour again promises to take her to dinner and they throw themselves into the insanity of Lehmann's huge party. Misty finds her way to Lehmann under the watchful eye of Seymour. She sends a man to get Lehmann for her, telling him to tell Lehmann that she wants his "fucking ass down here right away." After kissing his assistant, Lehmann jumps down onto a pile of mattresses and makes his way over to Misty. He leads her off the a less populated area and they are quickly joined by his assistant. Oh boy, a manage o' three!

Misty's vag has really protruding lips.

... but Lehmann's assistant just has a generally ugly vagina.

There's an awkward view of some chick getting it on a wheelchair with some dude as another guy pushes them around. Ah, 70s porno and the random-ass scenes...

And hey! A pile of bodies! Sexy.

In addition to funky!vag, the assistant also has an inverted right nipple. And another Report first! Misty straps on a, well, strap-on.

I actually lol'ed at this one.

Squeal like a piggy, boy!

But yes, it's a great success. However, Seymour breaks Misty's heart by saying that the best way to get someone to do something is to say that you're going to take her to dinner or just beat her. She walks out, glaring at Seymour who is dressed in a Caesar outfit, and tells him that Lehmann will go by to pick up her things. Seymour tells her not to leave because she can have Caesar if she stays, and she replies that she doesn't need Caesar because she already has Napoléon.

Seymour returns broken-hearted to the theatre in which he found Misty and is devastated to not find her there. He gets on a flight back to the United States and goes back to his apartment with Geraldine to watch old movies of Misty's training. He talks with her about how he never thought that Misty would end up with Lehmann, asking how late it is in Rome, and Geraldine replies "it's too late, Seymour."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, two maids are exchanging a snifter of brandy and one turns out to be Misty. She walks over to Seymour, but he is completely engrossed in the movies of her and doesn't notice as she begins sucking him off. Geraldine is surprised, but says nothing. Finally he notices and begins insulting her trickily until she bites him hard on the penis. He jumps up and pushes her and they chase each other around with Seymour trying to redeem himself.

Finally she catches up to him and says with exasperation "Seymour! You know why so many people have sexual problems? Because they talk too damn much!" And then they kiss quite passionately. And, you know, have make-up sex.

And they lived happily ever after as sex doctor and sex worker, and by the next year, everyone had forgotten that she was Lawrence Lehmann's last Goldenrod Girl. Misty becomes a sexual therapist and Seymour, well, becomes a slave boy, heh.

THE SHORT AND THICK:

Despite being a porno, it has a really solid plot line and a great story with a happy ending in, you know, more ways than one.

THE GOOD : So many fantabulous European locations!
THE BAD : Nothing really. Pretty generally awesome like Deep Throat.
THE UGLY : Napoléon, augh.

CONTAINS : Hand jobs, voyeurism, copious blow jobs, lots of eating out, heterosexual sex, lesbians, ménage-à-trois, anal sex with a strap-on.

GREAT FOR... : Everyone, but especially couples. It's a good love story.

San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 05:03:36 GMT

The legendary Ron Jeremy stands on a hill overlooking the San Fernando Valley, scoping the area as he begins his quest to find the Temple of Poon. As he looks around, he spots a threesome of people he thinks can aid him in the search, so he goes down and sees them. Of course, they're having a threesome too, and wearing such sporting footwear!

He checks things out and fucks up the shot, so the guy directing the porno that the people are in tells him to bugger off. Once he runs off, the guy gets a happy, incredibly out-of-focus blowjob from a chick with dark roots hair until, of course, the director demands box-licking!

Hells yes, a first in the Pornosseuse Report--69.

I dunno... if I were that other girl, I'd feel kinda left out. I mean, she even has her hair all tied back and ready for hot and sexy action! But noooo, all she gets to do is grab ass dark roots. Well, that is of course until dark roots eats her out.

She has immensely amazing squatting power and quite the labia. I dunno though, in these modern pornos, everyone just looks so damned bored. The dude keeps looking off to the side, the squatter keeps drumming her fingers on her knee, and... come on, those shoes! I mean, who has sex with shoes like those on? The guy doesn't have any shoes. And why does every guy in porno seem to have a watch on?

More sex, blah blah blah, guy fingers her asshole, dark roots eats out brunette some more, but in a different position... dark roots has such an atrocious boob job that her breasts don't even bounce when she's getting boned doggy style.

After about twenty minutes of this, there's some anal, and even though she's bouncing on him insanely, her boobs are still rock hard and motionless. I... I just don't understand the attraction.

After almost thirty minutes, brunette is getting mad bored, and the director finally requests that a load be blown.

And oh what a load it is.

So they finally finish and we go back to Ron Jeremy, who is going to visit Hugh Jörgan, the only man to ever see the Temple of Poon. Jörgan lives in an assisted living facility and Ron Jeremy comes in to see him whacking it to a porno. Ron Jeremy announces himself, but Jörgan doesn't bother stopping but rather commands Ron Jeremy to sit down whilst he finishes.

Once he rubs one off, Ron asks him about the Temple of Poon. Jörgan, who is by the way a total douchebag, tells him that he went there so long ago, porno was still shot on film and shown in theatres, and the actresses all had very hairy pussies. He does remember, however, that within the Temple lies the sweetest, tightest pussy on Earth. Ron wants to know more, but the nurse [who is much less sexy than Linda Lovelace] comes in to give him his daily nitrous oxide and blowjob treatment. Doesn't the nitrous kinda cancel out the need for a blowjob? I mean, hell, I'll take the nitrous if he's not gonna be using it to its full potential.

Not surprisingly, he's wearing a watch. His penis is recovering from a bruise, so it's all yellow and shit. There better be an awesome story behind a bruised penis. Seriously though, Linda Lovelace was SO much hotter, and not only because she had better titties.

Gah, BAD TITTIES. Well, it all turns into banging, as expected. At least the girl makes more convincing sex noises than the earlier girls. It's slightly creepy though because she looks like Michelle from 24.

Additionally, she looks and moves like the hula dancer in Midget Goes Hawaiian. More jizz, some ass-slapping, and then we're back to Ron Jeremy. The same director from before is needing to shoot a film of Ron being blown by some chick and gets all doucher at him because Ron insists on being called San Fernando Jones. Fuck you, director. You have a shitty goatee thing, and I'm certain that Ron Jeremy has a bigger penis than you.

So Ron nicknames the girl "Cocksucker." She really sucks at giving head, however, and doesn't even come close to deep throating, so I feel as though this is a poor choice of name.

He has a conversation with her that's drowned out by the music and the camera pans back to show us that Ron Jeremy's sac is indeed wrinkly. The director comes over and demands another cum shot, and Ron obliges with great gusto straight into Cocksucker's mouth. I gotta say, the man has awesome aim.

After the shooting, Cocksucker and Ron discuss the Temple of Poon. It turns out that Cocksucker lives in the Temple of Poon, but it doesn't seem to be the Temple of Poon that he was looking for. Cocksucker's horny roommates, however, apparently put out twenty-four hours a day. She invites him in, asking him what he wants to eat, and he says he would enjoy some furburgers. They get into the living room...

and find her roommates with a carpenter...

and a pirate.

The pirate has a weird ass.

The Asian roommate, however, has bouncing breasts. What a wonderful idea! There's the normal progression from blowjob to loud sex. Cocksucker and Ron come back in and watch the fornication with the same look I give to professor during class.

Seriously though, pirate.

Then there's a partner change, bazing! Someone laughs in the middle of sex screaming and the curly-haired roommate rolls her eyes when being boned by the pirate. I gotta give the pirate mad props though because he does ride her like a horse.

More blowjobbery and some ass-boning.

And double penetration! The funniest thing about this part is that the curly-haired roommate coaches the Asian roommate through it like she's coaching her through labour. Oh, and, you know, grabs at her tits.

She then blows the pirate whilst being banged by the carpenter and getting a clit rub by her roommate. And then hey, semen shower.

The girls, in typical porno fashion, end the scene by making out with each other.

Later that night, Ron reclines on the double team chair eating random foods and a knock comes at the door. Cocksucker lets the guests in, and they happen to be the next-door neighbours, Ima and Bubba Hicks. Cocksucker introduces him as San Fernando Jones, but Ima knows that it's Ron Jeremy. Well, the Hicks have come over to borrow a belt sander and a saw because there's apparently a pyramid in their backyard that they want to cut a hole in to park their riding mower. Ron is stunned.

He asks to see this pyramid and they all go next door to check it out. Ron is certain that it's the Temple of Poon, and in order to gain access, there has to be a sexual sacrifice. He demands that someone fucks him and Bubba says that's way too much of a sacrifice, so Ron tells the other three to all fuck each other. Mad props to Cocksucker for having natural breasts.

Fingering, licking, clit-sucking, eating out, orgasming, and of course, a watch. The girls double-team Bubba as Ron walks around wondering why the Temple hasn't opened yet. This, by the way, has the squickiest of squicky noises during the double-team blowjob.

Then hey, déjà vu!

I guess it's good that Cocksucker got some jizz from Ron earlier because this guy was sorely lacking in the cum department. The door opens to the Temple and Ron enters to find "Hugh Jörgen, '78" written on the wall. He walks through a labyrinth covered in cobwebs as dildos drop from the sky. Finally he makes it to the centre of the place to find a clearing with a veiled woman sitting in it.

So who is it? Who has the tightest, sweetest pussy in the world?

Tabitha Stevens [wasn't that the name of the little girl on Bewitched?]

Or, as she likes to be called, Rashiki, the High Priestess of the Temple of Poon. She tells him to claim his prize, and he is more than willing to do so. When he starts eating her out, she says that he can do better, and in his defence, he says that he was just attacked by a bunch of dildos. Gotta give him that one.

She isn't just pussy though, she ALSO gives blowjobs. And wears sequins! And has killed her hair with copious amounts of bleach! And hey, another girl looking like she's about to use the penis as a microphone.

Well, you're probably wondering what this pussy looks like.

All things considering, it is quite a good "situation," as Dane Cook would say. So yeah, he fucks the tightest pussy in the world to music that sounds like it was lifted from the soundtrack for the game Pharaoh. It is more than slightly awkward when the squicking noise is Ron Jeremy's stomach smacking against a chick's thigh, or when you see things like this:

Ron est venu dans la face and then Rashiki frowns and says "okay, get out of here." Ron is baffled, but she explains that the movie is over and that she wants her check immediately as she spits his cum out. Aw, poor Ron.

So he jets off to his next great adventure, the pursuit of meatloaf.

THE SHORT AND THICK:

Ron Jeremy goes on a quest to find the Temple of Poon.

THE GOOD : Ron Jeremy's silky smooth voice.
THE BAD : SO MANY FAKE BOOBS. Also, the sex is terrible. There's no emotion at all. By emotion, of course, I mean believable moaning and screaming.
THE UGLY : Ron Jeremy. Oh, and Tabitha Stevens. I'm pretty sure she has two sets of cheekbones.

CONTAINS : Eating out, doggy style, heterosexual, menage à trois, voyeurism, copious blowjobs, impressive money shots, anal, 69, masturbation, semi-bukkake, double penetration.

GREAT FOR... : Groups and people who enjoy fake breasts.

Midget Goes Hawaiian

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 01:15:36 GMT

Et j'ai tous les chiens et chats et je veux la paix mondiale et pour Barney mourir.

I honestly think that the first time I saw the amount of condiment put on the hamburger buns for the first time over a year ago, I died a little inside.

So after finishing and mauling her hamburger, our heroine Gidget smacks the meat and says with a pleased sigh "the king, the king, I'm coming!"

Her happy look changes, however, when her boyfriend comes into the kitchen and tells her all about a meeting he had with a director who promised him an opening for a movie he's interested in making at the Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. Gidget doesn't give even the slightest damn, so she walks out of the kitchen with her bagged hamburger, grabs her bags from the living room, and announces to us that she's outta there. Her boyfriend runs to the door and begs her to stay, dropping to his knees and generally being a damn pussy.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, a girl named Trixie comes in to ask for a job as a hula dancer. After the man asks how much experience she has, she replies that she doesn't have any, but it's always been her dream to be a hula dancer. Of course, she holds her skirt up as she says this, so the guy asks her to show him some moves. Her moves are severely lacking, but in typical stripper fashion, she announces to him that he's cute, hee hee! Her attitude changes when he says that there's a casting fee of $3,000 to be part of the hula girl revue. Phbt.

Well, the man said that she was special, and when she doesn't have any money, he of course tells her that they can work something out.

Ha, it's a pun. Without a second thought, she gives him a blow job. Wow, a $3,000 blow job. It better be fucking good. Anyway, the guy has a massive member and the chick has massive boobs, but we all know that only one of these two is real. He makes awkward faces and belches mid-way through the beejay, and she makes disgusting smacky noises that they didn't edit out and has a Pluto [as in the cartoon dog] tattoo on her right shoulder blade, which can make for odd juxtapositions of the past and present. I like the tasteful decor of the office and the very professionally made contract on the bamboo-covered desk. Oh, and the fact that according to the calendar on the desk, I was ten when this came out.

Well, she doesn't end up finishing the blow job, but he forgives her by eating her out. Hey, wtf? The guy is losing money here, and he's pleasing her? I think we have some sort of issue here.

At least when she's being eaten out, she doesn't speak in that fucking high-pitched "I'm a cutesy stripper!" voice. Obviously the reason she got into pornography was to have her mouth doing something other than forming actual words. Grunting and groaning is much more becoming for this one.

As she's being eaten out on the desk, Gidget walks in and immediately decides that she shouldn't interrupt them, but should rather watch the goings-on. Of course, we're lucky, because although she can't see it, we can see Trixie being fisted! Oh boy!

She makes noises like a cow.

It's basically all the same with pretty run-of-the-mill porno groove in the background until there's finally phallic penetration, blah blah, violent shaking and thrusting and the such. Watching a ball sac in slow-motion is hilarious, by the way, especially from a view where the guy's limbs are elongated so much that they look like Evangelions.

To Gidget, this is hot. She stands behind a statue watching and feels herself up before dancing a little happy hula dance and watching them do it doggy-style on a pool raft, which of course squeaks the entire time. And Trixie, by the way, is still too fucking vocal, so the guy takes care of that by making her suck his sac as he whacks it.

He jizzes and has her lick it up before kissing him, and once they're finished, he points at her and goes "now that is entertainment." Trixie sits down in dude's lap and she asks "so do I get the part," to which he replies that she does as soon as she can come up with the $3,000. Surprisingly, she's not upset by this turn of events and instead says that she'll do anything and anyone to make the money. Well, now that the fun is over, Gidget interrupts finally, asking if he's Lou Ripovski, and of course, he is. He asks the most important thing, if she has the $3,000, and she does... in her bra. So she's on her way to Hawai'i, yaaaaaay.

Now, either Hawai'i has changed since I was there last [ironically, at approximately the same time this movie was filmed] or they actually took a like... Boston Whaler from Southern California to Hawai'i. But anyway, Gidget, Lou, and three other people head out for a boat around "Hawai'i" complete with relatively atrocious porno groove and even shittier camera work.

But hey, it can't be all bad! I mean, there are two chicks making out, and the one on the right looks like a girl I went to high school with!

Nothing exciting happens really except more chick interaction. Them's some horny wimmins.

Of course, since they're filming this in some bay in California, they can't strip, but there's obviously no law against feeling up in public in California. The two chicks and Lou head down below deck and Gidget is left with the captain who, after a few seconds, tells her that the boat has automatic steering and because of that, they should go elsewhere and get better acquainted.

When that picture's taken out of context, it becomes a zillion times nastier.

It doesn't take long for them to get better acquainted, and soon she's giving him a slightly paedophiliaish blow job.

Well, apparently by this point, they've ridden into international waters, so there's some nice midget doggy-style!

Um... that's... hot?

And a pearl necklace for posterity.

Well, we finally get to Hawai'i, where Lou is announcing the hula revue with a lampshade as a megaphone. He claims that all of the women are native Hawaiians, but there's only one that actually looks Hawaiian, and she's the only one who can dance. She leaves with the captain and then another one of the girls gives Lou a blow-job. The best part, however, is when his chair falls over and he whimpers, which makes the girl laugh at him.

Push comes to shove, it's the same as the earlier scene except it takes place at the beach and there's a girl with a rose tattoo rather than a Pluto tattoo. Oh, and he farts rather than belching. Classy.

And he makes the same face too... and kinda looks like Jackson Rippner from Red Eye, but we all know that Cillian Murphy is totally hotter and more polite than this guy.

More eating out, salad tossing and a very obvious boob job.

Seriously though, this guy has Kiss tongue. It's incredible. In typical porno fashion, the hula dancer reappears and completes the show by dancing on top of a wooden pallet and a welcome mat.

We do that move in yoga all the time. Then, of course, the chair sex with bouncing, gravity-defying boobs.

Both of the women he's fucked so far give some A+ sex talk, btw. This one's nastier though, and he starts to have issues holding it in. He gets really sweaty, grinds his teeth and speaks in a gravelly voice. It's awesome. Actually, considering, this is a pretty hot scene mostly because the woman just gets so damn into it. He doesn't seem to know exactly what to do about it either. And then hey! It's a flashback to Debbie Does Dallas!

And then he comes in her mouth. Nice.

Later that night, Lou's counting the money and Gidget talks about how much she loves show business. The captain is sad, talking about how he feels like there should be more to life than just hula dancing. Gidget agrees, and then there's a bright light in the sky. It's a flying saucer, and the King of Rock 'n Roll appears. He looks mysteriously like Jesus, but talks like Elvis.

Lou and the captain leave and after introducing him again, Gidget has her way with the King whilst he's still wearing socks and shoes. And now, a pictorial timeline.

Part One, the Blow Job

Part Two, Fucking a Midget Despite Prior Penis Surgery

Part Three, Fucking a Midget Who We Now Know Has Six Toes on Her Right Foot from Below

Part Four, the Hand Job

Part Five, the After-Sex Hamburger

So he gives her a mysterious bottle and disappears, but before they can see what it is, Gidget's boyfriend appears with an camera disguised as an assault rifle and tells her they're going home. Instead, they go to a beach-side hut and he tells them that he's going to take their physical likenesses with his video camera, to which Gidget replies "Johnny, have you gone mad or something?" He says that he's just trying to make his masterpiece, and the captain is the first up for the filming with one of the girls from the boat.

The music's classy for a minute or so, then it gets some porno groove thrown in. Lots of eating out, titty sucking, ass slapping... seriously, more than five minutes, and the entire time, she still has her panties on.

After awhile, he decides to suck on her toes for a change whilst she pleasures and tastes herself. Then, of course, the blow job.

Oh, and by the way, this chick has a tattoo of Jawas on her left shoulder blade. They have pretty typical missionary with the pepper of ass slapping and hair pulling followed by incredibly sweaty sideways entry.

A bit of doggy style, Gidget looking stunned, and much enjoyment from both the captain and the blonde. It ends, of course, with a face shot.

And then, oh no! A storm, as shown by the twisty camerawork! That evening after the storm [yeah, nice resolve], Gidget opens the bottle from the Rock 'n Roll King and finds a treasure map.

Gidget thinks that the map is leading them to the island on the horizon, so Lou steals it and swims off.

And then it's to be continued, I shit you not.

THE SHORT AND THICK:

Well, the midget is short and thick. But yes, it's creepy, but it has that random comedy thing that is missing from a lot of modern pornography.

THE GOOD : The Rock and Roll King of Space, haha.
THE BAD : Um... everything?
THE UGLY : Pretty much everyone. Oh, and that chick's tits.

CONTAINS : Eating out, doggy style, heterosexual, midgets.

GREAT FOR... : Groups. That and people who, you know, like midgets.

Deep Throat

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 04:57:47 GMT

One time, at a party, I decided that I was going to test my fellow partygoers, who had just moved into my dorm, by seeing if they'd put up with my normal day-to-day shit. As we sat eating veggie burgers on the floor of the common room, I looked at them and said 'one of us should deep throat a banana.'

They looked at me, and one of them, in all seriousness, said 'where's the banana?'

Truly the beginning of a great friendship.

Sigmund Freud, in his book, 'Three Contributions to the Theory of Sex', wrote about the fantasies and illnesses of disturbed sex.

His theory is that life falls into four phases, Oral, Anal, Phallic, and Genital, and that sexual hang-ups involve a fixation at one phase.

The most important thing first: the music at the beginning is totally the porno groove version of the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and it's called "Ode to Funky Joy." No one can deny the awesomeness of that shit.

But yeah, the first five minutes of the movie is Linda Lovelace driving through Southern California in a pimptastic blue car, and she ends up in a neighbourhood that looks very suspiciously like my grandma's. She gets home and casually walks in to see her mascara-slathered roommate, Helen, being pleasured on the kitchen table. Without any issue, she calmly puts the groceries away and hands her roommate a cigarette. Before Helen lights it, however, she very kindly asks the man "do you mind if I smoke... while you eat?" Ah, always the lady. So the guy gives her a moustache ride on his fabulous molester moustache whilst Helen shows us all just how flexible she is.

Later in the day, Helen and Linda go to the pool, where Linda mopes and paints her toenails as Helen explains that their life is awesome because they get Helen's alimony cheques and Linda pulls an allowance from her father. Linda explains that it's not lack of money that makes her life seem useless, but rather the sleeping around that Helen's always doing. Helen, of course, is surprised.

Of course, the stylish Helen bashes Linda, telling her that because she doesn't want to be a loose whore like herself, she must want to immediately settle down and start a family. But it's not even marriage she wants, Linda explains, because she'd always be miserable and the man would too because Linda doesn't enjoy sex. Helen is taken aback and Linda explains that sex only makes her tingly all over, and that's it--no bells ringing, no bombs dropping. Helen tries to make sense of it all and eventually decides that Linda's doing it wrong. After all, she explains, sex is more than just "wham, bam, thank you ma'am." In typical porn fashion, they decide that the only way to find the person who is right for Linda is to have an orgy, yeeaahhh!1!11!!!!one! So hey, let's post flyers or something, and a bunch of anonymous guys can come on in and fuck Linda!

Of course, the first idea is that missionary just isn't the right way to go about things, so Linda and guy number one, who indeed has a fabulous moustache like many other men in this field during this decade, try for doggie-style. Silly Linda attempts to wake up her dysfunctional clitoris, but it's useless. The guy does have a picture-worthy penis though.

That penis... is a stereotype of penises.

Meanwhile, ever the hostess, Helen entertains the men who are waiting for their turns with Linda. To me, there are three things that make this scene memorable:

1. bead curtain

2. terrifying make-out moment

3. the face when the guy goes for a second course

Well, of course, there's also the fact that when the guy ejaculates on her back, there's a bubbling noise on the soundtrack, but I can't really share that one, can I? So the two guys and Helen have happy couch sex, them enjoying her fine breasts and her enjoying, well, everything. Some guy with a creepy growth on his arm sucks her fine titties and then she gets the honour of being eaten out for the second time in the first seventeen minutes of the movie.

Linda, meanwhile, is sucking the palest dick I've ever seen in my entire life. It's like creepy phantom dick. So phantom, in fact, that it blurred every time I tried to get a screencap of it, even when I had the video slowed. Mysterious!

Back in the living room, Helen and the two guys [I believe their names are actually 11 and 12], are getting pretty fucking creative. I can't even explain it. It must be seen.

A fabulous display of penetration and eating out at the same time.

In the other room, Linda, with her modern lack of bush, apparently didn't get that penis deep enough in her throat to stimulate her happy throat clit, so she's back to normal sex and making the "o" face despite the fact that she's not supposed to be having fun here. Number ten finishes and comes out to fetch number eleven, but Helen's already taken care of him, so he remarks that he can't help Linda, but he could have two minutes ago. Number twelve is also spent, so they just lay around on a couch that looks disturbingly like it could match the velveteen pimp chair I use for my computer chair.

She asks if anyone else is left and then shrugs when no one answers, but then some gay guy who was most definitely in the earlier scene when she was handing out numbers comes up and asks what "a nice joint like you is doing in a girl like this?" I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it pisses off Helen, who first wants to know what he's doing in there and then says that some days, nothing seems to go right. Um... 'kay.

So what to do about poor Linda? She and Helen walk along the street discussing how the fourteen guys [and that doesn't include the ones who came twice] weren't able to make her get off. Well, Helen decides that it must all be psychological and says that Linda should visit the good Dr Young who, of course, has quite the moustache.

The two of them have a delightful conversation in which it becomes apparent that the doctor is actually a fucking loon. Despite the fact that he's a psychiatrist, it appears he also believes himself to be an OB-GYN, and Linda has no problem with letting him give her an examination... with a telescope.

Well, in his examination, he's stunned to find out that Linda has no clitoris! After just a quick look herself, she agrees with him, which leads to a very important question: why the hell didn't she notice earlier? It's obviously a huge surprise though, so she starts crying. Aw.

Of course, as a professional, Dr Young attempts to find where the missing clitoris could have possibly gone, just like a pornographic version of Sherlock Holmes. He asks Linda what her favourite and most exciting part of sex is, and she replies that she likes giving head. He, like any man who found out a woman likes giving head, gets excited and moderately surprised. But, he asks her, what makes it good for her? Well, she gets all wonderfully tingly and excited in her throat! Oh, how he laughs.

Getting back to business, he asks her to open her mouth and is very quickly able to find her clitoris at the back of her throat! Oh boy! Dr Young is happy, but Linda still cries. Although the doctor tells her that a clitoris in the back of one's throat is better than having no clitoris at all, she says that it's like a man having balls on his ears. Dr Young considers this for a moment and replies, "well, then I could hear myself coming!"

Okay, so the problem's solved, but what's the solution? Deep Throat, of course!

"Deep what?"

"Throat! Have you ever taken a penis all the way down to the bottom of your throat?"

"No... I try, but I choke."

Magically, the doctor appears to know all about deep throating, and in a move of utter professionalism, he tells her to go ahead and try it on him. There's even a special song with the instructions for deep throating during the scene. Haha, awesome. But yes, Linda very easily learns this skill.

Well, at some point, she manages to burn the chicken and we get a fab picture of two guys ringing a bell, some fireworks going off, and, as things quicken, a rocket lifting off, at which time she rubs he beloved penis all over her face. Just like in the last Report, we have the random lullaby music as Linda smiles at the penis. I love you, penis.

Afterwards, she professes her love to Dr Young and says that she wants to marry him so that she can be his slave. Apparently his nurse won't let him get married, so she gets pissed and accuses him of trying to throw her out onto the street. He, in turn, offers her a job at the office as a physiotherapist, so we get to see her in a nurse's uniform! Yay, fetish!

Well, Linda's job is to make house calls to Dr Young's sexually frustrated patients. She gets to deep throat, they get to have sex with her, and everyone's happy, yaaaay!

... well... sort of.

Turns out that these men are really sexually frustrated. Delinquents, if you will.

Case 358, Albert Fenster, 25, bachelor [for obvious reasons].

The first guy is just having your normal day-to-day table sex with her when he decides to put a funnel in her, pick up a bottle of wine, pour some in her vag, and drink it through aquarium tubing.

Now, I used to drink water out of those ten-gallon drums through aquarium tubing, but never once did it cross my mind that someone would do the same thing with a bottle of wine and a vagina. Well, apparently he doesn't enjoy it, but he does enjoy the Real Thing, a.k.a. Coca-Cola, when taken from a vagina, and has Linda take a sip too.

Yes.

From her own vagina.

Obviously not fazed by the first assignment, she goes on to the next at a skeezy motel.

Case 653, Jacob Maltz, 52, widower with no children who hasn't had sex since his wife died three years earlier. He doesn't want to have sex without getting married, but has had bad pain in the groin area that Dr Young attributes to abstinence.

Well, we don't get to see exactly what she does, but he asks her to do it three times a week because it felt wonderful. She's worried that he doesn't have the money for it, but then he says that money is no object, holding up his Blue Cross Insurance card, for the win.

Back in the office, poor Dr Young has been way oversexed by his nurse and Linda, but that doesn't stop him from performing case 007 in which he is trying to ball two nurses simultaneously. He does, however, complain to his tape recorder that he's way oversexed and feels as though he can't go on. After all, how much deep throat can one man take?

No, God! My penis has had enough!

Woman, no! Man down!

Areport, poor penis.

Despite the broken penis, the doctor pushes forward, boning both nurses. What a brave soul. He even 69s Linda, but I guess that was just for his own appreciation of eating out, because, I mean, she has no clitoris in the vaginal area. Ah well. Lots of deep throat for the next bit, and it's bothersome because Linda's nose runs the entire time.

She's really tenacious about rubbing at her missing clitoris.

So we get to see Linda shaving her bush, which is good, because it was starting to look a little stubbly. But, as she's doing it, there's some guy with a tiny pistol and a handkerchief over his face waiting outside the door.

Case number 218, Wilber Wang, 26. He's only aroused when he feels as though he's overpowering his partner and enjoys pretending he's a burglar and then raping his partner. Dr Young thinks that Wilber and Linda would be a good couple.

Oh, and instead of Dr Young saying this, it's his nurse as he eats her out.

So Wilber and Linda have a conversation in which we think that he has a five-inch-long penis because he says that he's only four inches away from happiness when Linda explains that she has to be married to someone with a nine-inch cock. Wilber calls up Dr Young to see what can be done about this problem and announces happily that the doctor can cut it down to any size she wants and he flops the thing out. Haha, oh, four inches the other direction. It's all cool then.

She deep throats him and we get more exciting fireworks, another rocket going off and a bell with monkeys hitting it! Oh boy! Monkeys!

And so, it's a happy ending. To a pornography.

THE SHORT AND THICK:

This was an extremely well thought out pornography. It had a lot of comedy, hot girls, a hot leading man, and all sorts of sex that was never drawn out too long. There were a couple of things that were wtf like that guy that Helen randomly got pissed at, but for the most part, it was just awesome and hilarious. Oh, and the music was sweet too, especially because it had lyrics describing how to deep throat and the such.

THE GOOD : All of it, especially Linda's car.
THE BAD : The thought of someone drinking wine and Coke out of a woman's pussy.
THE UGLY : No one, but Linda's roommate wore too much damn mascara and fake eyelashes, and Dr Young's nurse had inverted nipples, but that was just slightly awkward rather than ugly.

CONTAINS : Eating out, doggy style, deep throating [duh], heterosexual, double penetration, shaving, blow jobs, role-play, someone drinking out of a vag.

GREAT FOR... : Anything. Use liberally.

Coming Soon

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 04:09:22 GMT

pornosseuse: At 9:10 on Monday, I'mma start my review of Deep Throat.
pornosseuse: 9:00, of course, is when the post office opens T_T
danosan: hahaha
pornosseuse: THEY WEREN'T OPEN TODAY.
pornosseuse: WTF is that crap!?
danosan: AND THE PACKAGE WILL BE HALF RIPPED OPEN
pornosseuse: HAHAHAHAHAHA

That, of course, means that the review for Deep Throat will be posted on Monday.

So Monday! Monday! Monday! Deep Throat starring Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems. Get your lotion and home computer [or well-shaded work computer] ready for action!

Debbie Does Dallas

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 20:35:28 GMT

So I finally got around to watching the classic, the porno name everyone knows, and I was most definitely amused. This, to me, epitomises the sort of crappy porno I seek out for this report.

First things first: Debbie is stupid and has a creepy face, but she has the best tits of the group.

Debbie is a cheerleader who has been selected to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, but her parents won't let her go because her mom thinks it's "outdoor burlesque." Her fellow cheerleaders decide to help her raise the funds, but they all want to be sure to come with her too so they can support her at her first game. They've got two weeks to make the money, but all they can think of to get it is to work part-time jobs. Of course, they discuss this whilst undressing in the locker-room and showing off their crazy bush, odd-looking nipples, shitty tanlines, and partially-shaved armpits.

Debbie gets a job at Mr Greenfeld's sports shop, but he only hires her because he hopes to play with her titties. Obviously he doesn't notice her creepy-ass face, which looks like she's having difficulty putting a contact in, but really she's just a fucktard.

The next day, the cheerleaders have a deep conversation about Lisa, who is famous for her refusal to wear panties. Lisa claims that she believes that all people should just walk around "as we came into this world: stark naked." She later shows her tenaciousness regarding this when she's working at the tennis courts to raise money.

After the little conversation, the football players feel slighted because they aren't getting enough attention from the cheerleaders, so the captain tells one of the players, Rick, to take the message to the girls that they aren't going to take that shit. Of course, the best way to get the message across is a four-on-two in the locker room showers...

... where one of the guys looks like an even uglier Ron Jeremy.

We also get a great allusion.

So Roberta and Pat are given by a bunch of really, really ugly guys, and the entire time is accompanied by disgusting squicky noises that I've never heard in a porno before. Obviously the sound people have gotten better at editing those out.

There's this weird two-minute-long segment that's just a view of Roberta getting banged, but it's from a really bad angle, so all I could think about was her cornhole. So yeah, Pat blows some guy whilst getting banged by the Ron Jeremy guy, and we get close-ups that show us that:

a. Pat's obviously had stomach surgery of some sort because she has a scar down her abdomen.
b. Pat has incredibly thin cover in the pubic area, unlike her cohorts.
c. Pat has been banged more times than a motherfucking drum, and if the fact she's a porn star doesn't clue you into that, the loose lips of her labia will.

By the end, Pat is totally in love with one of their penises--she even has the "o" face when she's beating him off. In fact, she's so in love with it, she cries cum tears at the thought of parting.

I love you, penis. Never leave me.

Meanwhile, Debbie's being propositioned by Mr Greenfeld, who offers her like forty bucks to do various things to her rack. Hey, I want a guy to pay me $10 to look at my rack, especially if the threat "I'll tell my mother!" will work to get him to stop sucking my tits [for $20!]

But yeah, so Debbie shares her great idea with the other cheerleaders, and they decide that prostitution is the way! They're all so virginal though, and Tammy's worried about how to make it all work without some terrifying gang bang or something, so they ask Annie what it is she does to make her boyfriend so happy, to which she asks the rest of the girls if any of them have a banana.

The famous Roberta of gang-bang fame has some phone sex with her boyfriend at work, but it's relatively awkward self-love that involves just a bunch of fondling and one of those fucking leotard tops that snaps at the crotch. Of course, Roberta happens to work at a candle shop, so she uses one of the candles to fuck herself. The pleasure is incredibly fake, and right when she gets to the false climax, her boss's wife walks in and says it's just fine that she's masturbating at work, and Mrs Hardwick is like "hey, I've an idea! You have sex with my husband, and I'll burn the chicken as I watch you! It'll be awesome, yeaaah, and you can make some extra money!" Mr Hardwick comes in and the fun begins!

Mrs Hardwick: Ohhhh, feels so good, doesn't it?
Mr Hardwick: Is she wet?
Mrs Hardwick: Ohhhh, she's so wet. Are you ready, Roberta? ... I think she's ready, dear.
Mr Hardwick: Good.

Mrs Hardwick has pancake boobs and an awkward vag, and Mr Hardwick has a tiny penis and an ass that sweats too much.

Two of the cheerleaders, Rikki and Annie, go to wash Mr Bradley's car and end up having a water fight. He comes home and they're like "we're prostitutes now, so tell us, what's your damage?" Both girls have pretty good breasts and well-trimmed bush unlike most of their associates, so I think their price of ten dollars for undressing was a little cheap.

But hey, he offers $25 to kiss them "all over," so I guess that makes up for it or something, or maybe they're just whores. I like the guy's living room because the shag carpet looks like grass, hur hur. Oh, but the hotter of the two girls has weird nipples that are oddly flat. I don't like them, and neither should you. And judging by the ugly labia they have, neither of them is a virgin, dammit.

The music during the scene reminds me of the theme from Hawaii Five-O, and Mr Bradley handles boobs really roughly and also has a small penis. Apparently the small appendage doesn't matter because he has two girls working him, and all for the modest fee of $35! The man's making out like a bandit! He even has some odd sex with the uglier girl after she goes "fuck me in the ass! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Fuck me in the ass." A very obliging man indeed. Prettier girl guides his splooge onto the back of Uglier and then licks it off like a good friend would. They wanna do more, but, you know, when Mr Bradley hears his wife coming, they haul ass to take a shower, probably together with lots of lesbian action.

Donna, the librarian cheerleader, wags her ass some for the head librarian, Mr Biddle, and when asked about how it's all going with the money, she says that it's all "coming along fine." Woo, yeah, that's deep. Her boyfriend Tim comes in and she gives him a good old-fashioned library blow job, and she even sneezes on him when she's doing it.

Yeah, that's hot.

She even has a terrible gag reflex, so she gags the entire time, and Tim has a molester moustache and glasses like Napoleon Dynamite. He releases the load on her cheek and she uses it as face moisturiser and a snack. Obviously the first load wasn't enough, so she squeezes his junk to empty it right before the librarian finds them, runs Tim off, and then takes Donna to his office. She begs him to not tell her parents and he agrees if he's able to be the one to give her a spanking. Subtle. Turns out spanking her bare ass is his fantasy, so there's seriously like five minutes of spanking. Um, hot?

Lisa's boss introduces her to some dude named Ashley and they have a funky sauna encounter, menage-a-trois style. Lisa has a pretty face and the guys both have huge penises, and yet it still doesn't come across as sexy. It must be the surplus of pubic hair and molester moustaches.

Debbie, meanwhile, is talking to Mr Greenfeld about how they're all saving themselves until marriage, but she's easily bought off with the promise to pay for her entire trip. Odd little aside and then it goes back to Lisa, who answers a phone that's on the fucking ground on the tennis court. What? Quickly switches to Tammy, who is very definitely the ugliest of the group, and Lisa comes in for another fabulous menage-a-trois in the record store. Well, not fabulous, more like weird 1970s menage-a-trois against a huge display of 33s, and the record store guy appears to have a minor case of crooked nail. Ew. But hey, Tammy looks like Eva Longoria when she's sucking off some guy, so at least I don't have to look at her ugly side anymore. Stay in profile with your mouth around a dick, Tammy. You look better that way.

So Debbie shows back up at the sports goods store dressed as a Dallas cheerleader. She and Mr Greenfeld have creepy football fetish sex on a weightlifting bench.

"Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be the captain of the football team, but I was too small. But I had one thing that was big enough..."

I like how he refers to it as "making love" when she's being paid. And Debbie's not a natural blonde, but I'm sure we all knew that already. God, she's even shitty at faking orgasms! What was she cast for? Well, I guess she had the best looking labia of the group, but still, that's not enough, especially because it doesn't compensate for that fucking face she makes.

Mr Greenfeld has a funky sac and a hairy neck. Thumbs down.

There's also more anal intercourse. Thumbs down again. Oh, and I realised that there's no condom usage in this movie like you find in our modern pornos. Thumbs down more! If he sticks his peen back in her vag after the anal, I'll fucking lose it. Maybe the reason why she was chosen was the nice ass she haaaaaaahhhh!!! Straight from anal to vaginal! God damn you, porno makers. But hey, soon after, we can see that Debbie has fillings! Exciting!

He splooges and pees a little, and then it flashes up with "TOUCHDOWN, MR GREENFELD" and "SCORE ONE FOR DEBBIE" on happy, colourful backgrounds, and then she falls asleep. Climactic.

THE SHORT AND THICK:

The movie started out hilariously but went on for way too long. The sex scenes were repetitive and boring and the girls were mostly ugly, both in face and body. Despite being written by a woman, the story ended up being lame and the ending sucked. The prettiest girl, Lisa, was underused, especially considering how ugly her co-stars were. This is, however, a classic pornography, and because of the first half, it definitely deserves a download, but I would never bother actually buying a copy of it. Renting, maybe, but only with a huge group of friends so we could all split the rental fee.

One of the most important things about a porno is the music, and the tracks on this one fell short. Thumbs down, Mr Sampler, thumbs down.

THE GOOD : the entire first half, Mr Greenfeld with his dick hanging out
THE BAD : most of the second half with the exception of Mr Greenfeld coming out in the football uniform with his dick sticking out, the music
THE UGLY : most of the girls and all of the guys

CONTAINS : heterosexual sex, menage-a-trois, anal sex, female masturbation, spanking, public sex, masturbation with odd objects, cosplay sex, blow jobs galore, shower scenes, cheerleaders, gang-banging, wet t-shirts, a complete absence of the knowledge of brassieres

GREAT FOR... : group viewing, classic pornography viewers