The Pornosseuse Report

The newest report on the film Charli can be found here.

The newest Report, Midget on Milligan's Island, can be found here.

Today's Porn Weekend report of Panty Raid can be found here.

The newest report, Behind the Green Door, can be found on The Pornosseuse Community.

Today's Pornosseuse Report on Acid Dreams can be found on The Pornosseuse Community.

Also, if you're interested in writing for the Pornosseuse Report, please submit your curriculum vitae on the community (thepornosseuse).

I've finally restarted my subscription to URentDVDs and should be starting up some new reports within the next couple of weeks. Right now, the line up is:

1. Panty Raid Arrived 7 September
   
2. Acid Dreams Arrived 7 September, reviewed 8 September
   
3. Behind the Green Door Arrived 7 September, reviewed 25 September
   
4. The Devil in Miss Jones 2
5. Charli
6. Sirens
7. The Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann
8. The Devil in Miss Jones 3&4
9. Midget on Milligan's Island
10. Prisoner of Paradise
11. The Devil in Miss Jones 6
12. Clockwork Orgy
13. Never So Deep
14. The Seven Seductions of Madam Lau
15. Blonde Ambition
16. Curse of the Cat Worman
17. Expensive Taste
18. Greenhorn
19. Inside Desirée Cousteau
20. Roommates
21. Sex World
22. Star Virgin
23. Taboo
24. The Good Girls of Godiva High
25. The Pink Lagoon
26. The Untamed
27. Young and Innocent

For those who would like to join me on making great porn lulz, I've started a community where I'll be posting all of my reports from here on out: thepornosseuse. If you'd like to review porn yourself, join in, introduce yourself, and start reviewing. Posting is only open to those who are okayed by me, so make sure to toss me an eMail.

And... uh... that's it! Look forward to great lulz.

First things first, I have to say that this is honestly the only pornography that I've watched through completely more than once. It his absolutely hilarious and horribly done--really and truly, I'm sure I could animate something better in my fucking basement, and probably without the lights on or whilst dealing with a puking, feverish infant.

One time, I sat down with three of my friends at a restaurant called Sakura and we watched this as we ate teriyaki chicken and zaru-udon. When the waitress asked what we were watching, we closed the laptop and pretended that nothing happened.

( If you didn't know this already, the most fucked-up shit in the universe originates in the country of Japan. )

THE SHORT AND THICK:
All of the really popular anime characters from the 90s greats get together for the wedding of Sailormoon and some guy named Prince. There is no purple rain, there is no plot, there is lots of jizz, and there is nostalgia.

THE GOOD : The art is so shitty it comes all the way back around to the awesome end of the spectrum. If the art were good, this hentai would definitely not be worth watching.
THE BAD : Well, everything, but the same rule used above applies to the entire thing.
THE UGLY : Atrocious anatomy makes for ugliness but also comedy.

CONTAINS : It's a hentai. It contains everything you could imagine and probably some things you've never thought of before.

GREAT FOR... : Everyone, in groups and public places. Anime geeks, just because.

To start things off, I must note that this was the porn featured in The 40 Year Old Virgin.



I agree, Steve Carell. I agree.



EPISODE 69
"UNHOLY UNION"

Led by the Evil Overlord and the Dark Witch, an ominous shadow has swept across the universe destroying countless planets in its wake.

The Clitoran System, one of the last remaining independent realms, may yet fall, for the Evil Overlord's shyster minions have discovered a legal loophole: whomever the Princess Hubba Hubba weds will become the de facto heir to the Clitoran System. With this information brought to light, the Princess has fled the star system, joining a ragtag underground of interplanetary Eco-Warriors who attempt to align the Planets.

In the struggle between good and evil, the hopes of billions rest on the shoulders of a few.

( In space, no one can hear you cream... )

THE SHORT AND THICK:
Basically, take every single Star Wars (four through six, that is), mash it together, meld a couple of characters into one character, and throw in some fake boobs and lots of sex, and you get this.

THE GOOD : Uhn... uhhhhhh... the production values? The thing has Dolby Digital sound and is in widescreen.
THE BAD : IT WAS FUCKING TWO HOURS AND THIRTY MINUTES LONG.
THE UGLY : Ball chin, goth girl, fake boobs...

CONTAINS : Christ, I don't know. I started wandering at about an hour and thirty minutes in. Hetero, cyborgs, ménage-à-trois... pierced labia...

GREAT FOR... : People who I probably don't want to smell; people who can sit still for almost three hours, gah.

Oh shit! Porn with a slightly twisted moral!

( Just put it in me! We can get off together! I can't do it without you... )

THE SHORT AND THICK:

An ugly chick kills herself because she never gets off and ends up going to Hell despite the fact that she's been all spinster and shit for her entire life. The moral? For the love of God, get off every now and then. It'll make it so you don't kill yourself and end up going to Hell where you can't achieve orgasm. I think this is obvious.

THE GOOD : Oh man, I love Harry Reams. I mean, he's the awesomest.
THE BAD : Despite being made by the same director, it's not nearly as good as Deep Throat. The story's there, but it just doesn't have as deep of a plot or something.
THE UGLY : Miss Jones. Jesus Christ, woman, if you can keep your pubes in good repair, why not just go ahead and go the extra mile and shave your armpits?

CONTAINS : Ass play, blow jobs, anal sex, hetero sex, lesbian sex, hose play, double penetration, ménage-à-trois, female masturbation.

GREAT FOR... : Churches that say that people shouldn't get off because it's immoral People who like Harry Reams, classic porno viewers.

After a far too long break, the Pornosseuse is back! Today we have another classic, and the next two will also be classic pornographies before our first Turning Japanese segment, which spotlights one of the better known bad hentai. But now...

The Opening of Misty Beethoven, guys, and it's even a collector's edition! Come to me, porn version of My Fair Lady!

( There are even XXX-tras, hur hur. )

THE SHORT AND THICK:

Despite being a porno, it has a really solid plot line and a great story with a happy ending in, you know, more ways than one.

THE GOOD : So many fantabulous European locations!
THE BAD : Nothing really. Pretty generally awesome like Deep Throat.
THE UGLY : Napoléon, augh.

CONTAINS : Hand jobs, voyeurism, copious blow jobs, lots of eating out, heterosexual sex, lesbians, ménage-à-trois, anal sex with a strap-on.

GREAT FOR... : Everyone, but especially couples. It's a good love story.

( The name is Jones. San Fernando Jones. And I am on a quest for the Temple of Poon. Some say that the temple is just an urban legend passed down from old, retired porn actors, but my gut instinct tells me that it is real. )

THE SHORT AND THICK:

Ron Jeremy goes on a quest to find the Temple of Poon.

THE GOOD : Ron Jeremy's silky smooth voice.
THE BAD : SO MANY FAKE BOOBS. Also, the sex is terrible. There's no emotion at all. By emotion, of course, I mean believable moaning and screaming.
THE UGLY : Ron Jeremy. Oh, and Tabitha Stevens. I'm pretty sure she has two sets of cheekbones.

CONTAINS : Eating out, doggy style, heterosexual, menage à trois, voyeurism, copious blowjobs, impressive money shots, anal, 69, masturbation, semi-bukkake, double penetration.

GREAT FOR... : Groups and people who enjoy fake breasts.

Et j'ai tous les chiens et chats et je veux la paix mondiale et pour Barney mourir.

( You know it's gonna be great when only two minutes in, they're whacking meat. )

THE SHORT AND THICK:

Well, the midget is short and thick. But yes, it's creepy, but it has that random comedy thing that is missing from a lot of modern pornography.

THE GOOD : The Rock and Roll King of Space, haha.
THE BAD : Um... everything?
THE UGLY : Pretty much everyone. Oh, and that chick's tits.

CONTAINS : Eating out, doggy style, heterosexual, midgets.

GREAT FOR... : Groups. That and people who, you know, like midgets.

One time, at a party, I decided that I was going to test my fellow partygoers, who had just moved into my dorm, by seeing if they'd put up with my normal day-to-day shit. As we sat eating veggie burgers on the floor of the common room, I looked at them and said 'one of us should deep throat a banana.'

They looked at me, and one of them, in all seriousness, said 'where's the banana?'

Truly the beginning of a great friendship.

Sigmund Freud, in his book, 'Three Contributions to the Theory of Sex', wrote about the fantasies and illnesses of disturbed sex.

His theory is that life falls into four phases, Oral, Anal, Phallic, and Genital, and that sexual hang-ups involve a fixation at one phase.

( This film is designed in a broad and also humorous way to illustrate a psychiatrist's treatment and his use of a ploy and the power of suggestion to overcome that fixation and the ultimate maturation of the girl into the genital phase. )

THE SHORT AND THICK:

This was an extremely well thought out pornography. It had a lot of comedy, hot girls, a hot leading man, and all sorts of sex that was never drawn out too long. There were a couple of things that were wtf like that guy that Helen randomly got pissed at, but for the most part, it was just awesome and hilarious. Oh, and the music was sweet too, especially because it had lyrics describing how to deep throat and the such.

THE GOOD : All of it, especially Linda's car.
THE BAD : The thought of someone drinking wine and Coke out of a woman's pussy.
THE UGLY : No one, but Linda's roommate wore too much damn mascara and fake eyelashes, and Dr Young's nurse had inverted nipples, but that was just slightly awkward rather than ugly.

CONTAINS : Eating out, doggy style, deep throating [duh], heterosexual, double penetration, shaving, blow jobs, role-play, someone drinking out of a vag.

GREAT FOR... : Anything. Use liberally.

pornosseuse: At 9:10 on Monday, I'mma start my review of Deep Throat.
pornosseuse: 9:00, of course, is when the post office opens T_T
danosan: hahaha
pornosseuse: THEY WEREN'T OPEN TODAY.
pornosseuse: WTF is that crap!?
danosan: AND THE PACKAGE WILL BE HALF RIPPED OPEN
pornosseuse: HAHAHAHAHAHA

That, of course, means that the review for Deep Throat will be posted on Monday.

So Monday! Monday! Monday! Deep Throat starring Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems. Get your lotion and home computer [or well-shaded work computer] ready for action!

So I finally got around to watching the classic, the porno name everyone knows, and I was most definitely amused. This, to me, epitomises the sort of crappy porno I seek out for this report.

( Listen girls! There's money to be had, fast money, and we don't have to do anything more than what we do with our boyfriends, and they certainly have fun, don't they? And we're still all virgins, aren't we? )

THE SHORT AND THICK:

The movie started out hilariously but went on for way too long. The sex scenes were repetitive and boring and the girls were mostly ugly, both in face and body. Despite being written by a woman, the story ended up being lame and the ending sucked. The prettiest girl, Lisa, was underused, especially considering how ugly her co-stars were. This is, however, a classic pornography, and because of the first half, it definitely deserves a download, but I would never bother actually buying a copy of it. Renting, maybe, but only with a huge group of friends so we could all split the rental fee.

One of the most important things about a porno is the music, and the tracks on this one fell short. Thumbs down, Mr Sampler, thumbs down.

THE GOOD : the entire first half, Mr Greenfeld with his dick hanging out
THE BAD : most of the second half with the exception of Mr Greenfeld coming out in the football uniform with his dick sticking out, the music
THE UGLY : most of the girls and all of the guys

CONTAINS : heterosexual sex, menage-a-trois, anal sex, female masturbation, spanking, public sex, masturbation with odd objects, cosplay sex, blow jobs galore, shower scenes, cheerleaders, gang-banging, wet t-shirts, a complete absence of the knowledge of brassieres

GREAT FOR... : group viewing, classic pornography viewers